Pruning My Digital Garden
How I pulled the plug on societal expectations and gave myself some grace
You've probably seen them. The neutral tones, the minimalist houses, and so many sourdough posts that you have to double check that they're not a “trad wife” account.
The hashtag #simpleliving was my first introduction to the idea that society is too busy and that people can be pressured into chasing things they usually wouldn’t even want. Not just the shiny car and big house, but the job that's impressive (and overly stressful), and the endless days doing social activities for status rather than genuine connection.
But it wasn't actually #simpleliving that changed things. We'll get to that later…
Different packaging
When I would read about Simple Living it was something I felt I should move towards but it had its own basket of trophies to collect. You should do yoga every morning, you should have a capsule wardrobe, you should only buy this, this, or this.
Turns out, capitalism had already gotten it's claws into the lifestyle and I was just a piglet at the trough of social media looking for the next thing to be told to buy, the next thing to be told I need. *Oink oink*
Letting Go…of perfectionism, demands, and the dam phone
It took me finally putting down my phone to see the mindset shift that Simple Living was all about.
For me, the key to integrating simple living ideals into my life is in letting go of the feeling of "need".
Not only was social media constantly telling me what it thought I needed, but on top of that my brain experiences Demand Avoidance and perfectionism, so I was in a whole blender of stupid feelings all the time.
First, this nagging feeling that I needed to craft the perfect routine and follow it to a T every day. I needed to keep my home perfectly clean and eat perfectly healthy every day.
And under the perfectionism, the Demand Avoidance. Living with DA (common with neurodivergent people) means even simple needs like brushing my teeth is something I have to sit there and convince myself to do. Being told I need to, or even just knowing, I need to do something, puts up a barrier in my mind that freezes me to the spot. My brain says “NO” and I imagine a giant toddler throwing a sippy cup on the ground.
When I heard "simple living" I actually felt "perfectionism, high standards (that you'll never meet), and endless demands".
A Two Part Special
At the time, these changes happened mostly intuitively. It was a lot of pieces just falling into place. Like, friends can tell you “don't be anxious, just be happy” but that doesn't do shit, and one day by chance, you just wake up capable of getting through the anxiety.
Looking back now I see I was actually dealing with two completely different challenges:
Unconscious social media influence & Neurotypical societal expectations
They were so wrapped up in each other. It's hard to tell which one was feeding into the other.
It wasn't until Autistic and disabled content creators started leaking into my Instagram feed. For the first time I started questioning my own struggles, triggers, and what my ideal day would look like free of these discomforts. (This started a nearly 10 year personal research project before I felt confident to use the autistic label for myself)
Gimme Gimme, Boundaries and Mindset Shifts
I didn't completely kick social media to the curb. At one point, it was a huge part of my job and necessary to keep up with. I also saw an inkling of potential for the creative outlet it could be now that I was seeing creators with different outlooks and life experiences.
But what changed? For once I was seeing some accounts for what they really were, just commercials for brands! Not only was I following a ton of consumer influencers but I was also following a ton of store brands?? Why was I following Cool Whip? And the influencers that weren't selling products were selling a lifestyle I don't remember ever deciding I wanted.
(Ok, I still follow Ben & Jerry's. They continue to live their values. We see you Ben Cohen).
The second realization was that I was seeing content from others and finding myself lacking. I didn't have that product, sure, but I also didn't have that confidence. I didn't have that kind of creativity. I didn't have that capability to create my own life.
Changing What's Coming In
Because I am on social media for around 2-3 hours of my day (sporadically) and saw it's potential to be a creative and actually social outlet, I realized my accounts and my mindset needed to align.
I sat down and decided what I actually wanted my life to look like:
Working a job that doesn't burn me out
Creating art everyday because I enjoy it
Writing because I have something I want to say
Trying something new because it brings me joy (new recipe, new event, new hobby)
Being neutral and present in activities I have to do
Next was a mass unfollowing of accounts and taking some time to decide what I wanted out of social media. I wanted to see:
My friends
Artists
Creative writing
Pagan & spiritual discussion
Politics (not rage bait, not
Foxbiased propaganda)People that made me see new perspectives
And overall just pages that made me feel calm and happy to be myself
Changing How I…Exist?
So now I wasn't being bombarded with garbage media. I had a more clear idea of what I really wanted in my life. Now I needed to take care of that giant toddler, my brain.
The first step here was changing my language. I completely dropped “need” from my vocabulary.
I need to pick up avocados.
I'd like to get avocados.
I need to do the laundry.
My clothes are dirty and I'd like to wear them again.
I need to finish writing this chapter.
I'm working on this chapter ending. I'm so excited to see what I come up with.
This made a HUGE difference. I realized the toddler was throwing a fit because it didn't see the WHY behind actions. Giving my brain whole reasoning made actions sensible and easier to do.
Next, I let go of timing.
Not only do I deal with Demand Avoidance but also Executive Functioning which means transitioning from one tasks to another doesn't happen naturally. This can look like watching a show for two hours even though I need to get up to pee, or staying in bed until ten minutes before it's time to leave for an appointment. Mentally, I'm telling myself to get up, just get up please, but this time my brain is a dog pulling back on their leash refusing to move forward.
Executive Functioning is a harder beast for me (even though I'm imagining that dog is a dachshund). Maybe with a therapist in the future I can come up with better coping methods, but for now I just let myself do the thing when it happens. *shugs* Maybe getting up to brush my teeth didn't happen but getting up to let the dog out did, now I'm up! I'm brushing my teeth! It's 12pm instead of 8am but who gives a heck!
One thing that cuts through Executive Functioning, maybe 40% of the time, is thinking of myself as an animal I care for. I love me so I'm going to do this thing for me. I love me so this is important. This was another big mindset shift. I love myself, so that includes my body and my living space.
Things are NEVER consistent
I call this “spiraling from a fixed point”. Living is a cycle. We're not consistently feeling the same things or experiencing the same things. On top of that, lessons you learned in the past can come back with fun new layers to deepen your understanding of that lesson. I see it as a spiral and to keep yourself from puking on the hard turns you need *grounding*.
I want to give this more attention in it’s own article but some ways this looks like for me is:
Sitting in bed and staring out the window, no thoughts, before getting up.
Moving slower, taking a few minutes in the car to stare into space before going into the busy store
Putting things on my calendar so they aren't accidental surprises
Being realistic about what's going to mentally wear me out
Asking myself if this is something I want to do or just something I was told I should do.
It has been a long process to get to where I am. There's definitely been spirals on this lesson. But when I look back ten years and see how much unnecessary stress I was carrying I'm just impressed I was strong enough to continue and thankful for the people that have shared all the different ways you can choose to exist in life. I still have that toddler and dachshund throwing fits in my brain but instead of shame, anger, and a feeling of lacking, I approach them with gentle understanding and flexibility.